Goal setting in general is tough, but lofty new year's goals are even tougher. They are a set up. A set up to: beat yourself up, land in your own swamp of disappointment and shame, and give you more evidence that you can't trust yourself.
Read moreHow to develop a gratitude practice
Ok, so you know why gratitude is important, but the question remains: HOW do we integrate it into our lives so that it is a practice, and not something we berate ourselves for not doing?
1. Get real with yourself about how it FEELS when you acknowledge your gratitude.
For me, it feels like for a moment, everything in the world is ok and right. There is a warmth that washes over me with a feeling of contentment. What does if FEEL like in your body when you are content in the moment? Do your shoulders relax? Does your stomach stop doing backflips? Identify the feeling in your body and then:
2. Notice when you FEEL that during your day or your week.
For me, these are fleeting but amazing moments that I string together to build my gratitude practice, like Holiday lights on a wire- they are strung together to make something beautiful.
For me, the moments that stand out and produce the aforementioned feelings are:
a. When I see something stunning in nature like a sunset, a beautiful array of clouds, when snow has fallen and everything is quiet, the way the sun makes the ocean water sparkle, etc. I know I FEEL grateful because I want to store that image in my mental photo album.
b. Parenting joy: when I see my son asleep in his bed looking totally at peace. Or when I see him improve or master a task he's be working on. There is nothing like that feeling for me.
c. Professional successes: minutes or hours when things are clicking and progress is being made. I feel truly alive, effective, and honored to help others make strides to improve their lives.
d. Personal triumphs: the feeling when I finish a hard workout is high on my list right now. The feeling after finishing a difficult assignment in graduate school.
These are a few of the categories that stand out strongly for me where I really FEEL those physical components of gratitude, where I want to relive the experience.
3. Track these moments.
With our phones being so handy, you can even make a GRATITUDE photo album on your phone to remind you of these moments in which you have gratitude. Some people have a gratitude journal, but that may feel forced or corny. Do it if you want, but if it doesn't feel good for you, don't. It's a trial and error thing, and that is fine! Something that worked in the past may not work now, or vice versa.
How else could you track the moments you want to relive? The moments you try to repeat or re-experience? For me, that's when I most notice and enjoy my gratitude.
Here are some other ways to track:
* A gratitude jar (put slips of paper in and watch the stack grow)
* Voice record your moments on your phone
* A photo journal as stated above
* Self-reflection time during your day
* A pinterest board
* A scrapbook
* A regular conversation with a loved one or friend
* A thank you note to someone
4. Give yourself permission to figure it out.
There is no right or wrong way to "do" gratitude. Find what feels right for you. It doesn't have to be like everyone else. It needs to fit you and work for you so that you can reap the benefits of your own practice. Give yourself time to connect with your body in those joyful moments to record what you feel in your body when your mind is happy or content.
Plus, as I've said before, what you focus on expands. When you integrate this practice, you start looking for these moments. Then you start feeling them more, and so on. It's a self-fulfilling positive feedback loop.
You just have to start. It doesn't have to be perfect.
5. Understand that you won't feel this way all the time. Relinquish the expectation so you can let go of your resentment.
Being "happy" is a condition that we think we need to chase to feel like we are living our lives right, and once we arrive, everything in our lives will be good.
We won't have to worry, suffer, try so hard, fill in the blank. But that's not how life is nor is is realistic. Life is full of ups and downs.
We want to really focus in on the ups, and put an individual twinkle light on each up. Look for the ups, look for those moments. No one else may notice them but you. That is fine. The more lights you string together, the brighter your gratitude practice is. It builds on itself.
When you don't expect your life to be shining like the sun 24/7, you will appreciate the moments that it is. There is your gratitude.
When gratitude feels like a platitude
When gratitude is promoted, especially during this season, does it bring up all the ways in which you feel ungrateful? Or when people wish you joy and peace, do you feel puzzled if you're surrounded by chaos and stress?
Read more4 Tips to Support Others During the Holiday Season
When someone close to us is having a tough time during the holiday season due to lost loved ones or family conflict, it can add to our own stress or make us freeze because we don’t know the right thing to do. Sometimes there is no perfect “right” thing and everyone is different.
✨ 1. Tend to yourself first.
Remember the cliche of putting on your own oxygen mask first? It’s a cliche for a reason. Don’t use someone else’s struggles as a distraction from your own. Decide how you will address your feelings and needs surrounding the holidays, as well as your own limits and boundaries around time and emotional support.
✨ 2. Be careful with the “what do you need?” questions.
A lot of times people don’t know what they need. If they do, they may feel weird asking about it. Acknowledging their feelings and giving a choice may make it easier for them to express a need. Something like, “I’m aware you’re hurting and this time of year is so hard. I want to support you-- what would be best? I can wrap gifts for you, we can go to a movie, or I can just come visit and talk.”
Giving an array of choices depending on what would be appropriate for that person invites them to make a decision and lets you know what would be the most helpful. The person may even thank you and offer another idea. Whichever, it alleviates the awkwardness that can come with that question.
✨3. Let them know you’re there without hovering
Just let them know you are around and up for grabbing a cup of coffee, or even a quick chat should they feel the need. After you’ve addressed #2, leave the door open for future requests by just letting them know you are there if they need you.
✨4. Suggest an activity that has nothing to do with the holidays
If you’re not available as much as you’d like, suggest a get-together in the future having nothing to do with the holidays. Let’s go see a movie, have dinner, go bowling, etc. While it is a distraction, it also gets them out and reminds them that there are things to enjoy in life, there are people who care about them, and provides relief through laughter.
✨ Bonus #5: Let go of your idea of how others should "celebrate."
Everyone has feelings about the holidays that can be complicated: nostalgia, grief, joy, anger, excitement, etc.
It's so hard when another's mood can influence your own if you spend time together over the holidays, and it's natural to want to be a helper. We just can't control others' feelings or take away their pain. Thus why #1 is about tending to yourself first. If this is tempting for you, be mindful of your own needs and boundaries.
If the holidays in general are a stressful time, grab your free holiday survival guide here 👇
BE YOUR OWN BAE
When I first heard the word BAE, I was like--we are that lazy that we can't even say the last B? I was naive that BAE is an acronym for Before Anyone Else. #imold
Now that {I'm in the know}, it's a term we use for the most important person in our lives, but really, we need to be our own bae's.
Read moreExpectations: the hidden downfall of the holiday season
The holidays bring up SO much for so many. First, there is the nostalgia that brings back memories and meaning from our childhoods. Second, there is the grief over the people who helped to create those memories but are no longer here to celebrate with us. Third, we have new family members to celebrate with, who have their own traditions and expectations. Fourth, financial stress. Fifth, deciding whom to visit when.
So many decisions amongst the expectations-- it makes your head spin.
Read moreSeriously- the Secret to Life
Do you really want to know the secret to life? It's dealing with your fear. Listening to it. Confronting it. If you can deal with what holds you back, you can do anything you want. This doesn't mean that you reach for unrealistic expectations. If fear is in your way, removing it can move you along in your journey of life, love, work, etc., much faster.
Read moreRule Breakers and Change Makers
What rules do you think you need to follow to fit in or belong? Many of us are terrified to break the societal rules we've soaked in like a sponge that say: you’re not allowed ask for what you need, be grateful for what you have. Be small, stay quiet, don’t disappoint or hurt anyone. Don’t get too big for your britches. Don’t rock the boat. Be available for everyone’s needs. Don’t ask questions, don’t be high maintenance, don’t be sensitive.
Read more